Dungeon Parenting: Worldbuilding Challenges of Raising Kids in Your D&D Campaign

Transcript:

You're listening to No Plot Only Lore, a podcast about games and the tables we play them at. Your DMs tonight and every

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Welcome back to No Plotton Only Lore. This week brought to you by generational

trauma. Have you ever wanted to make sure that your kids are just like you?

[ __ ] them up the same way your parents did to you. Generational trauma. It's

for everyone. You know, I've worked very hard to make sure my kids aren't exactly like me. But

that it is it is funny going back now and

like being like, "Oh yeah, there's like that's the way my that's why my dad is the way he is. That's why my grandpa is

the way he is. It's all goes back to one asshole." Oh boy.

I have some interesting new trauma that I'm giving

Thor cuz like my mom was a teen mom.

Sure. She had me when she was 17. Sure. She was a single mom until I was eight.

Mhm. And I was 31 when Thor was born and

married, and now he gets divorce trauma instead.

I mean, yeah, my kids also unintentionally got the divorce traumas, but I guess it's just what happens with

people these days. I wonder if there's anybody who like intentionally has divorce trauma. Like

the parents went into it thinking, you know what, we're going to get divorced from this kid at seven and it's going to [ __ ] suck.

I Okay, I I do I'm I'm okay with the idea

that there are parents who had kids with the intent of screwing them up, but given how much of a pain in the ass

divorce can be, I can't imagine they want to put themselves through that. Yeah, that's got to be like a weird kink

or something. Just like that. There's no other explanation for wanting like going into it wanting to get divorced.

Yeah, it's just a a suff suffrage kink. Suffering kink. It's not It's not a

suffrage kink. That's a different thing. Yeah, that's uh women's voting. Yeah, it's women voting.

Real turned on. No. So, uh we're both parents.

Mhm. Yeah. You You are a dad. I am also a dad. Um our kids are of an age.

Yep. And uh our kids are one of the Your kid is the same age as one of mine.

Yes. Yeah. Yeah. So, we've we've been doing this for a similar amount of time. Yeah. And it is not easy.

Often. Yeah. But uh I figured it might be harder if

we were living in a place romanticores were real. I Well, that's that's the first issue

you brought up that I I don't know if I'm on board with. Uh, it might be easier to have something that focusing

other than just like the horrors of the modern world to worry about every day.

Like at least in that setting, you know exactly what the horror is and where it

is. And I feel like right now I just kind of have to be on high alert at all times.

All right, so hear me out. Okay, we take this world and all of the horrors that we have to

be like constantly on the watch for. Go on. Add manticores.

Oh. Uh I don't know. I still feel

like Okay. I I like that having like a physically

present. I like the idea that having a physically present horror that is not beyond comprehension but at least like

you know somewhat knowable is sort of a a unifying force as opposed to like like

a lot of the stuff that you take from the modern world I think would just sort of fall away if all of a sudden tomorrow

y here be dragons or whatever you know I don't know if that's true cuz like I I

don't know if we would stop doom scrolling just because there was a griffin attack downtown.

I know. I would I think we would doom scroll about it. Like I would see so many posts about

Griffin attacks happening. Griffin awareness.

Yeah. Yeah. There there's a specific group on Facebook for like things that are happening around Victoria and it

would just be like a post of a person in a cop uniform like in the foreground and

in the background would be like two griffins fighting over some garbage.

that I can already see them. So, griffins are like magpies in your world.

I I'm thinking more like shitty pigeons, like really shitty pigeons, you know.

Okay. There was actually Okay, so there was a meme post going around for a while of

different different Griffin breeds. Okay. That I liked that was like um half crow,

half raccoon. E or like half pigeon, half squirrel. Uhhuh.

And I think the world needs more weird chimeic creatures like that. Just like pick two critters, stuff them together

like that girl with the dog from Full Metal Alchemist. Oh no, Christopher.

I don't even watch anime and I know what you're talking about. That's rude.

Uh, okay. So, monsters are real, right? Like in a fantasy world, monsters are real. You can't tell your kid that the

monster under the bed isn't real because there is absolutely a very good chance that there is something under the bed that you need to punch.

Sure. Monster in the closet. Same deal.

Yeah. Cockatress out in the the woods. Don't go near the lake cuz you a kelp is going

to get you. Okay. How does your parenting change given the

omnipresent nature of danger in that world?

uh the types of skills I teach them and when I teach them get changed

drastically. Mhm. I think Yeah. I think you start teaching

them about a lot more um practical self-defense, we'll call it, early on.

Okay. Just uh yeah, get your sword in a buckler.

I think so. I Yeah, genuinely I think so. Like I don't know.

Yeah. I don't know. I don't know what else to um I think the first thing for me would be

I would have more kids. Oh, well, you got Yeah, you got to have some backups. I mean, yeah,

you're rocking the solo dooo right now. I have a spare. Um,

I think everyone in general, it just goes back to like pre germ theory child

raising, right? We're like the smallest infection can kill your child and everyone is

going to have tuberculosis. Yeah. It's just like, hey man, like half of them might make it. So,

yeah. I wonder like okay so one of the things that we've

noticed is that like industrialization and modernization does impact the number

of kids people have right and I wonder if that would still hold true if there was a a reasonable

assumption that occasionally a like chupacabra is just going to eat one of

your kids I think so I don't know why it would we still would we still have the like

the population drop off a bit like would cities just be safer in general. Yes. Like we have flying threats, so we've

got like dragons and [ __ ] that we got to worry about. No, I I think

Yeah, like you said, cities in general would be safer. I think you'd see if anything like less um

less rural settlements and stuff like a a further uh condensation of the

population for Interesting. Yeah. for just like good old fashioned safety and numbers.

Farming would become weird. Farming would be like

um farming would be like those guys who put out like fires at wellheads,

right? Okay. So, it just be like actually Yeah. I'm imagining like a a fire tower type

person is just like living off on their own and their whole job is to make sure the wheat grows. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Um, what do you do if you wake up one day and your kid has some horns?

you I'm trying to be like an open and accepting parent and I understand that like you know every kid's journey's

different or whatever but I I got to say I am probably going to be a

little like devil phobic.

Okay, that's fair. I I think given your background that makes a lot of sense. Yeah. I mean, there's not a lot of

things that I cannot find a way to love, but like this, I think, is is one of those

things. I think the first step for me would be like I I would have to take a harder

look at my 23 and me profile and just like see how many demons I have like kicking around in the background there

because like there's a possibility that I've just got like some latent demon genes happening in there that I just

don't know about, right? Um, and I would also probably have to have a like a really long talk with my son's mom about

the same and just be like, "Hey, like I I don't want to be judgmental or weird about it, but kids got horns and neither

of us got horns." Oh, yeah. I would definitely be 100% pitting this on my ex. That's

that's that's 100% in her family tree. That would be hilarious if like years

after you were like you you you turned our child into a demon. It turns out that like your great great grandpappy

was like one quarter demon. I refuse to believe that. No, this is

100% on her and her frankly like I know which member of the family it is. It's

the adopted one. And oh, we just we don't know anything about I know exactly what her family history is and that

includes Satan.

I wonder like what other types of like weird magical puberty [ __ ] there would be that you have to deal with. Like one

thing Okay, so the sex talk gets weird. Yeah. given how many like do you sit

your kid down and have a talk about the birds and the bees and the spiders and the grasshoppers and the scorpions or

like do is it just the birds and the bugs?

[Laughter] Like how how many things is it possible

to get pregnant for one thing? And I know there's a book about that, but I'm not going to open it.

I think I think in Dungeons and Dragons it's probably just about everything.

Yeah. Yeah. Like I know I know this isn't like

accurate to how they came into existence, but like

somehow dragons had relationships with people that resulted in children, right?

So, well, and I mean they they are famously shape shifters,

so impregnating some humans or getting impregnated by a human, although I don't know how that would work with the eggs

and [ __ ] Um, yeah. So, like

you you would have to have some version of the [ __ ] What is that test called?

What? There's a test that you can do that's named after a Doctor Who

character. Oh, I don't know what you're talking

about. Oh, okay. Um, the Harkness.

Yeah, the Harkness test. The Harkness test. Again, I'm just guessing. I don't know

what that is. Oh, okay. Okay, so the hardness test is um

can I [ __ ] this? Right? And the answer has to be on like a

twopoint axis. One, is the creature intelligent enough

to provide consent? Okay.

Two, is the character that you were thinking about [ __ ] old enough in

their culture and society to provide that consent? Okay.

So, if you are wooing a creature and that

creature is like an elf that lives 600 years, what is the age of consent for

elf? Oh, [Music]

why do you make me think about these things?

But like that that becomes a a problem for teenagers, right? Like if you have a

group of horny ass teenagers running around, like

all of the humans are going to be at one stage potentially. All of the elves and the dwarves are going to be at different

stages, right? Like for the dwarves, if there's beard on the chin, play ball.

Like, how how does that go? Hey, I hate that phrase.

I'm just putting it out there. I don't like that. No, me either. But it's hilarious.

Gross. Um, oh god, where were we? What were we

talking about? We were talking about magical puberty and how [ __ ] weird it would be to be in like

the teenage era for various creatures, right? Because like one of the other things you got to consider is like a

friend that you make when you're 14 as a human, if that person is an elf, that

person is still going to be 14 when you're 35. Right.

Right. That makes sense. Right. or depending on the the setting, they may like age at the same rate as

humans until they hit like their 20s and then they just stop. Right. Right. Um which simplifies a lot of [ __ ]

right? Like if everything goes from like zero to 20 at the same rate roughly and

then the age differences happen, then that's great and we can just like handwave it and the wizard did it. But

like if we have roughly equivalent lifespan and life cycle stuff going on,

then it [ __ ] gets weird. Yeah. Yeah, that's fair. I hate thinking about

that. [Music] Education.

Education. Oh, education's a tough one.

I feel like honestly in that kind of world you're

going to have a lot more homeschooling for better or worse. Well, I mean it saves you from the Griffin attacks.

True. Like there's a lot less concern about a monster popping out of the woods and

like snatching your child and eating them if they don't leave home.

Yeah. I don't know. I don't know about that.

I feel like Maybe this is a case for more like and you

know problematic identities notwithstanding, but maybe we need more Hogwarts like schools

where you just send your kid to like a fortress. Fortress of magic.

Like not necessarily a magic school, but like a a school that is magic and capable of like defending your

children from the dark arts. Yeah. Yeah. See, I was initially thinking a

lot more along the lines of like the lookouts from Penny Arcade. Yeah. Where like you have a an organization of

scout type people who are going to teach your kids how to survive in the world. Yeah.

Um I don't necessarily know how. I'm trying to think of of what other type of schools exist right now that like might

survive well in that because like

jeez uh I hate that

I I so homeschooling would be

even more fraught with peril than the existing version.

Yeah. What kind of schools are there?

It's going to be one of those like weird jungle schools where it's just like an open topped classroom hidden in the

woods. Yeah. There's also like the uh the nature schools where like they just take

you out into the woods and learn. Yeah. I think those are going to be less popular in this world.

Yes. Yeah. They're attrition insane.

You got stuff like apprentice ships. Um like just Oh yeah. Apprentichips go crazy.

Yeah. Having your kid learn at like the elbow of somebody who knows how to do a thing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Um which like is very fantasy world. Sure.

Like everybody is an apprentice for a thing, I guess. Unless like you're a farmer.

Um colleges might be a thing too. Not in

like the the way that we think of them, but like more in the traditional sense

of you learned everything you could about math from the six books that your

town owns and now you go to college. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, what was kind of the um name name of the wind type thing there,

right? Yeah. Like that or like the the oldest versions of like Oxford.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Um, so like that might be a thing cuz then you you get to be a kid at home and

then you like as soon as you're an adult, you [ __ ] off and learn to be a wizard or whatever.

Yeah. Like your parents teach you the basics and then off you go. Yeah. So that might be a thing, too. I

wonder what like the how the printing press would interact

with education in that world. I could only assume it would actually

like raise the stock. Like if if you got to spend more time being

indoors for safety and like congregating isn't necessarily a great idea, but

things still need to get out there. It's easier to have one person travel with books than 10 people travel, right?

Yeah. I just had the dumbest [ __ ] idea. Go on.

So assuming that television is still a thing, right? People are still filming

entertainment to provide to people. How much more difficult would it be to shoot on site when you've got to worry about

like ah there's dragon in the shot? I I just have a feeling that every

single series will be shot in a cave.

Just like Yeah. There's there so many things that could go wrong in a a magical world for like setting up your

scene. Yeah. Just like fear and loathing in Las Vegas. Suddenly there's a fireball

somewhere down the strip because somebody lost some money or whatever. Like

now you got to reset everything and your PS are all Every movie is post-apocalyptic.

Just Mad Max everywhere. Yeah. Um, okay. So, one that I was thinking

about that I thought was kind of neat is the idea of resurrection as a safety net.

Oo. If like if magic is like not limited

in some way, even if it is, the fact that you can cast reviv revivify for a relatively low

fee. Sure. So, okay.

So my my thought on this idea is like assuming the worst, capitalism always

wins. And the unfortunate side effect is that like this magic while common place

becomes essentially like something that only rich people do because they're the only

ones who can afford it. Because for the same reason that like shitty entities sprout up to regulate

industries that really don't need regulation, that will happen to

to protect whatever the ruling class is. Like, well, we can't just have any, you

know, back backyard mage bringing people back from the dead or whatever. I'm thinking clerics, right? Like so we

we've got like two levels that are happening there of just like the the backyard preacher,

right, who is like casting revivify on kids if they happen to fall out of a tree or

whatever, right? Um just kind of like on his own dime. And then you've got like the [ __ ]

mega churches that are doing like proper resurrections and like immortality spells and [ __ ] for like rich ass

donors. Come and pray at the church and we will get you immortality. That is both

literal and metaphorical. So the only two religious figures that

exist in this world are John the Baptist and Joel Ostein

currently. Yes. There's some world building that needs to be done here a little bit. But

but like you you you would have extremes like that, right? You would have like Oh, sure. And then also just like the

the normal neighborhood priest of

whatever gods are prevalent here. That would also be another interesting

conversation that you would have to have with your kids of just like, "Okay, kid. It's time to figure out which god of the

pantheon you're going to devote your life to." Do you feel like the different gods

bring people back with different flavors to them?

Like like if someone dies and they're raised by like the wrong god, like are they a

little off? Moridan brings you back and you're a little shorter. Yeah. Yeah.

Groom brings you back and you're just like you're grumpy all the time. You have like anger management issues now.

Yeah. Like Palor brings you back and suddenly like you're just outside all the time. I don't know.

Oh man. Yeah. Everybody Everybody Palor brings back turns into like a [ __ ] hippie. Yeah.

Lol brings you back and sudden you're an emo kid. Yeah. I'm just like I'm wondering how Okay. So

like we we talked a little bit about like the the population of our kids like how many kids we would end up having because you just need to replace them.

Yeah. Right. Like in a world where kids are going to die all the [ __ ] time, then

you're going to be in a society that just values having more kids. But would they though? Cuz if you just

bring them back from the dead all the time, then who gives a [ __ ] Well, and that's the thing, right? Like would you be as concerned about your

kid's safety if you could just like bring the kid to your dad and be like, I broke him again.

I I want to say yes. If my theory about different gods making them weirder has

any weight to it, like no, I like this kid the way he is. I

don't want to have him brought back by [ __ ] Avandra or whatever. Like then he'll just, you know, wander off and I'll never see him again.

That Yeah, that's interesting. Um, let's let's assume for the the moment that that is not the case, though. It's like

you your kid gets resurrected exactly as they were. There's no change to them. Like, do you worry about your kid

climbing on [ __ ] that they shouldn't climb on or are you just like, "Well, better bring them to the cleric."

I mean, like, as as a parent, like obviously you don't want to see your kid like hurt or suffer for like no reason.

So, I think you're still like a normal amount of concern about them doing something stupid. Um, if only for like

the financial impact on the family. Like, if I got to raise a kid every other week, like we are barely holding

on, right? Um, God, my mom would have spent so much [ __ ] money on resurrections. Yeah. Like that that's how you honestly

without like a a family doctor in that way. Like you can't build generational wealth if you're constantly paying out

of pocket for resurrections for kids. Oh [ __ ]

Mormons would have so many healers because they're old.

Would a Mormon kid even have like would he even hit the ground before getting hit with the healing spell? You know,

like like No, they they they would they would thump and then get up and run away.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, it would be Oh, man. Yeah. I'm just like my extended family is Mormon,

so I'm thinking like would any of my cousins have ever

sustained an injury at all? No. You know what? You know what? It it

goes the other direction because Resurrection is so trivial. Then the

games they play far more dangerous. Yeah. Yeah. That brings up playtime a

little bit with like monsters and magic and like fighting. Were Were you a martial arts in the

basement kid? Uh I was a wrestling in the basement kid. Like a professional wrestling in the basement kid. Yeah.

Yeah. I I was like bad Power Rangers Kung Fu in the basement kid.

No, I was a uh Tatonka versus Ultimate Warrior in the basement kind of kid. Fantastic.

Um cuz yeah, you don't have to worry about like [ __ ] up a wrestling move if your dad can just heal you, right?

Do you know how many pedigrees I would have dropped on my brothers growing up?

Oh god. Like the number of things I would have jumped off of are just stupid. Thinking of the things that we jumped

off of without any of these safety things in place. Yeah. We would have bullied Isaac into doing way more dangerous things.

Well, and like imagine if you have access to any of that magic yourself, right?

Right. Like small magic items. You've got like a an amulet of featherfall or whatever that you can utilize. Suddenly

you're taking way bigger risks with your life and freedom and limbs.

Yeah. I mean like the the the level of thing you could get up to and then just Okay. Don't tell mom is like

incredible. Oh my god. Okay. One, that is a great name for a game.

Just like a a role playing game called Don't Tell Mom sounds amazing.

You're just a bunch of kids getting into trouble in the woods. Yeah. Like you you you have like a fort

or like a base in the woods and each of you has like a minor magic trinket or something that you can

utilize and then you just get into [ __ ] trouble. Yeah. Yeah.

You go out and and you explore cave systems that 100% contain bears.

Yeah. You occasionally just like hang out near the sewer grape to see how many dire rats you could throw rocks at.

Right. Like you just start pouring [ __ ] down in the sewer hoping for Ninja Turtles.

I may have already done that.

God, my brother and I spent entirely too much money of like my mom's grocery

budget mixing together quote unquote mutagen. Oh no. That was just like concentrated

orange juice and milk and soy sauce and like whatever other liquids we could

find in the [ __ ] fridge. And then we would pour it down the sewers thinking that we were going to get Ninja Turtles,

not realizing like there aren't any [ __ ] turtles in Calgary sewers.

Like there was the winter that we caught a salamander and I was like I wonder. But

what what type of trauma do you need to put the salamander through to make it a mutant? Exactly. He had a good winter. We fed

him well. Oh, good. Okay. Uh so I guess that covers playtime and healthcare. Uh chores.

Chores. Are you ever doing a chore in a world where the broom can sweep itself?

Unseen Servant would be a [ __ ] gamecher. Yeah. Like out of all of the spells that exist

in Dn D, right? Like I I don't know if you have like superhero fantasies ever

of just like what would I do if I had a certain superpower? Sure. Okay. The one I always go to is the

stupidest and most useless. Which it is always Wolverine's claws.

Just cuz like they're cool. Just cuz they're cool, right? Like I I imagine myself like walking down a

street like dragging my claws across like a chainlink fence or something, right? Like I have nothing to do with

claws. I'm not a violent person. I don't fight. There is never anything that I need to kill like that. I don't cut

things for a living. I don't cut things for fun. Like nothing in my life would

be made better by having Wolverine's claws. But that's the one that I always like just kind of fantasize about while I'm thinking about it.

Okay. The one that would be useful is teleportation. Yes. That's the one I always think about.

Yeah. Like the the movie Jumper.

Mhm. With Hayden Christensen, which was really bad. It was awful.

But that power and some of the uses of it, like the first half of that movie were actually really solid.

Yeah. Um just like jump into a bank, take all the money, jump out of the bank, now you have money.

Yeah. Right. Um and in the same way as that, everybody thinks they want Fireball.

Everybody actually wants Unseen Surv, right? Yeah. Okay. I get what I I get

where you're going at now. I was like, well, this is a long road to halt. Um,

yeah. So, I think the benefit of unseen servant or things of its ilk, uh, is

that it would almost instantly let everyone have the kind of life that the rich already have.

Um, where they solve that problem with money, you can solve the problem with magic. Um, and now you have infinitely

more time in your life to either like focus on your career or pursue artistic endeavors or just explore the world or

do nothing and and actually like recuperate or recover, heal when you

need to. Um, and I don't recall, is it a level one or a cantrip?

As far as I know, it's a cantrip. Don't quote me on that. I haven't looked it up in a long time.

So that means that you can cast it several times. Yeah. Your entire farm is just unseen service.

All of your duties in regards to like getting food for your family are automated now.

Yeah. You choose like the one task on the farm that you like doing. Like I actually like doing the evening milking

of the cows myself. I'll go do that or whatever. You know, I like brushing the whatever creatures.

I was going to say horses, but then I had to imagine myself touching a horse and I wasn't about it.

Um I was going to say like like it lets you actually live out that like performative trad fantasy. Uh because

yeah, you have the time to like get really good at making sourdough for no reason.

I was also just thinking that like my favorite cursed item is the bag of

devouring and that would be incredible in a household. Yeah.

You never have to throw your garbage out again. Nope. It's just it just all goes in the bag of devouring and the bag of devouring is happier that

you did it. Keep the kids away from it or you're going to have to, you know, grow another arm. But I mean, same with the bag of holding or

whatever. Like don't let me fall with the bag of holding. Fair. Ain't no error in there, Timmy.

Yeah. Yeah. No, I think chores would be significantly easier and probably wouldn't even need to be done by the

kids except as like a way to teach them what needs to be done for the unseen

servant to be able to do it. Well, okay. No. So, I was actually going to ask you without chores, what tool do

you use to teach your kids things like ownership and responsibility and like

the need to be self-reliant without like having arbitrary tasks assigned to them.

I mean, this assumes that you have access to unseen servant and not everybody will.

Okay. like because because not everybody has magic and magic items are relatively

expensive. So like if we assume that a a medallion

of unseen servant costs the same as like a nice car,

but like and like you might have a secondhand one from somewhere. But that's what I'm saying like that

this stuff kind of lasts forever, right? Like yeah, you know, if you look at like the Eberon setting and how much random magical

stuff is just kind of lying around like at a certain point I think you culturally sort of hit just like

saturation. One of the things that Eberon does that I think is neat is um artificers early

on weren't able to make like full ass magic items all the time. They made like

temporary use or like one-time use magic items. So like you would have an amulet, a feather

fall, but the first time you used it, it would break. Okay. Right. So you you have one casting of

that spell and then it's gone. And so that that's a limitation in that world that makes it so that not everybody has

access to all the magic all the time. Yeah. Um and I think something like that would

probably be baked into the real world as well. Okay. Cuz like

if you were to make an amulet of unseen servant, how many dollars would you sell

that for? I don't know.

That's a all of them. Yeah. I would be a billionaire,

I guess. Like especially if I was the first person to come up with it. Sure.

Oh boy. Yeah. Christopher Hansen branded unseen

servant amulets. Hansen brand. It never goes out.

I I don't know if I love the idea of Hansen brand servants.

I mean, they've been around before.

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